Struggle

Today, I am struggling. I am struggling to understand so many things. I am struggling with balance in my soul. I am struggling with the faith that I will make it through. I am struggling with understand how to get through. I am struggling to understand how humanity got to be cruel. I am struggling to understand why as a society we are so cold. I am struggling to understand how it is possible to be so full of hate. I am struggling with there being no answers.

But there is an answer, that's faith. Faith that some day things will get better. Faith that some day our society will heal itself. Faith that one day, we will all understand a love so deep that cruelty will be cast out of our soul's.

I have not spent much time dealing with my pain, the pain of losing the person that I truly care about and the pain from my past. I have decided its time to start dealing with my baggage otherwise I am probably going to unhappy for a very long time.

Sacrifice.

It's not what I would call a modern word. People hear the word sacrifice, and they become afraid that something will be taken away from them or they will have to give something up, something they couldn't live without. Sacrifice, to them, means loss in a world telling us we could have it all. But I believe true sacrifice is a victory. That's because it requires free will to give up something for someone you love, or something or someone you love more than yourself. I won't like to you. It's a gamble. Sacrifice won't take away pain and loss but it wins the battle against bitterness, the bitterness that dims the light on all of the true value in our lives.

I have found that the saying "Love never fails" makes me laugh. Mostly because it does fail, it bends, it breaks and it comes back hitting hard than the last time. Our version of love fails, every single day, it fails and there is nothing wrong with that unless you are someone that needs to believe in that saying, and most of us do.. Our version of love is not the same as His love. There is a difference and the more I think about why my last love failed the more I realize its because it was supposed to fail not because we are not supposed to be together but because we need to grow separately. Although things that are not meant for you or your life are supposed to fall apart. Yes, for a time they are right and wonderful but that fades just like everything else does and when it does that is when we discover real love. I think that is when we discover true love and I don't mean "Oh you are the one" after 3 dates, no sweetie.. mostly because that's really not practical and because that's naive to think that someone will just know in such a short amount of time. I mean if you have been with that person through thick and thin, all the fights over nothing, the moments of fear, the moments of loss, the moments of breath taking beauty, and still get excited to see them at the end of the day, that's true love and its a choice. You can choose to work for relationships, because we all know that as much as we were made in His image, we are all different with a different voice, a different past and potentially a different future.

True love is a choice. Its a pain in the behind, annoying, stubborn and opinionated choice. Then its a beautiful, life changing, and jaw dropping choice. 

So make sure your choice and His choice are the same person otherwise.. its gonna be a long road.

Breaking up doesn't mean everyone is going to hurt you, or that you are going to be unloved forever. It simply means that at this exact moment that other person isn't right for you and you aren't right for them. It takes courage to realize that, so thank you.

Today is the first day of what I expect to be many days of wondering what my life will be like without him. Now, I know what most people think, "Its for the best. You'll find someone else, he'll be better. Do not be sad, you deserve so much better." As encouraging as all of that it is.. it really is not. For most people my age they are thinking about two or three things.. finishing college, getting a job, or what are they going to do for the rest of their lives. Unfortunately for me, I already have a job that I enjoy and its what I plan to do with my life and since I have put finishing college on hold.. I am stuck thinking about all of this.

So for the first time in months, I slept alone. It sounds pathetic and it might very well be but when you are with someone for so long you get used to the things that have become routine in your life. No matter how much faith I have that things will be okay, nothing prepared me for that first night of sleeping alone.. the only was to explain it is like when you think your partner is up doing something in the other room and is too busy to come to bed right then, so naturally you get to check and then the real reason hits you its because there is no one else there with you. It is a little disheartening at first and it takes a lot out of you.. and the urge to call, text, snapchat or how you used to talk doesn't go away; I feel like it almost multiples, haha.

There is just so much that a relationship goes through. It's gets to a point where you think you know everything about the other person and then they do something that utterly shocks you. They leave. While you were living in fairy tale, they were dying. Its hard to get thrown back into life, and honestly it hurts all get up. You lose apart of who you are when they leave; you lose a bit of hope, faith in love, and most of all trust in other people.


Even though it sucks and it hurts right now, I have faith in God that it will be okay and that I will be okay.

Hello again, I have been crazy busy with.. work among other things. As life would have it, Josh decided it was best that we go our separate ways. On a day like this I decided to go see "The Other Woman" which was very fitting. If you haven't seen it and you are going through a rough relationship its a good movie to go see. Life has a funny way of making you pack up your bags and call it quits but God on the other gives you a reason to unpack that bag, have a glass of wine and a watch an episode of that show you love. I'm trying to unpack my bags and open that bottle of wine.